Why does saying 'NO' trigger guilt?
You probably know that in order to create success on your terms you should adopt the practice of saying ‘no’ more than you say ‘yes;’ it’s the only way to make room for the really great stuff.
But because you feel pressured or fear being judged or plainly fall into people-pleasing mode, you find yourself saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no.’ (I get it! I’ve been there.)
I'm sure that somewhere along the way you've had someone tell you, "No is a complete sentence." And I don't disagree with that but if you aren't feeling comfortable enough to step into that practice quite yet, here is alternate way you can ease into it.
In my personal journey of mastering the guilt-free 'no', I adopted this three-part formula. It places value on the relationship and positively conveys the refusal.
Clarify the circumstances of the ‘no.’
Offer an alternative.
When a mentor presented me an opportunity to participate in an invitation-only event, I was honored. It sounded really interesting and something I might enjoy but it would take my time and focus away from those areas I’ve identified as personal priorities -- the things that make me feel the way I want to feel and are in alignment with my goals and values.
This was my three-part response to the invitation:
Thank you for thinking of me for this opportunity.
As captivating as it sounds, this isn’t in alignment with my current priorities.
Have you thought of [Suzie Q]? It sounds like something she would enjoy.
Plain. Simple. Honest. No time commitment that puts my personal priorities at risk. No guilt.
(Disclaimer: There won’t always be someone else you can recommend who will enjoy or appreciate the opportunity. The last thing you want to do is to “pass the buck” by suggesting another person when you have no idea if they have an interest. In these cases, get creative and think of other ways to offer alternatives while graciously closing the conversation. )
Another powerful, guilt-free technique is to focus on what you can do.
I received a beautiful letter inviting me to serve on the board of a newly organized non-profit. Their mission focuses on empowering women. I’m a huge advocate of this work but knew serving as a board member would take more of a commitment than I could comfortably make.
I called the non-profit founder and said, “I have exciting news. I’m calling to let you know I’ll be the first non-board member to support this initiative with a financial contribution.”
Instead of even using the word ‘no,’ I focused on how I could support the organization.
I created an authentic win-win. Be aware of the times you can do this, too.
As you embark on your own guilt-free ‘no’ practice, here are a few helpful hints to keep in mind:
Your life is the sum of all its parts.
When you create goals that encompass every area of your life – not just your career — it becomes easier to filter how you choose to spend and invest your time.
Saying ‘yes’ is a habit.
From this point forward, allow yourself the time needed to make informed and thoughtful decisions. Don’t be tricked by time scarcity deadlines or be bullied into making a snap decision. Create a pact with yourself that you won’t give any answers to requests that impact your time until you’ve considered them for at least an hour (unless you've completed The Time Creation Course then you can use the 20-second decision-making model to guide your answer.)
Reframe your thinking.
You are not rejecting a person; you are simply passing on an opportunity. It’s not a judgment on worthiness; it’s a choice about whether it’s something in alignment with your vision, values, and current priorities. If someone tries to make you feel guilty about your choice, you don’t have to accept the invitation to participate in the process. Guilt originate in your thoughts, not theirs.
Save your apologies for when you are truly sorry.
Making excuses and sharing false regrets only defers the guilt. Instead of feeling guilty about saying ‘no’, you’ll end up feeling guilty about lying.
Just because you can do something doesn’t mean it’s yours to do.
Don’t let your ego lead. Let go of the belief that you are the only one who can do something. You may have the skill but so do others. There is always someone else; sometimes they’re just waiting to be asked. Create an opportunity for that to happen. Be generous and allow others the chance to grow.
Saying ‘yes’ to yourself isn’t selfish.
The only way you’ll ever have the time to create a vibrant, rewarding life is by deliberately making space for it. Being in alignment with the things that light you up allows you to bring your best self forward into everything you do.